Sunday, Oct 26
I have been sitting on this wordpress for the better part of 3 months now. After I *decided* (aka inadvertently gave myself a concussion) to take my leave from med school in August, I wanted a way to archive my life and revelations during this time of great changes. As a certified yapper, of course I wanted to start a blog. And then after reading about the drama of Substack, chose to look for alternatives and stumbled here. Immediately overwhelmed with the “choose-your-own-adventure” style blog, it was benched until today (but of course with ideas marinating in the background).
I’m not sure how frequently I’ll post. Initially, I thought maybe weekly as a recap since I also thought this space would be good for others to keep up with what I’m up to as we all navigate this busy season in our lives (this feels really self-centered to say, but I trust you understand where I’m coming from). Below, I’ve outlined the different pages on my site, which I will continue to update as applicable.
junk drawer
a space i’ll include updates on life, ideas i’ve been mulling over, etc
let her cook!!!
a photoblog for documenting the different recipes i’m trying out
nifty thrifty 🙂
a visual diary of the journey i’m on (re)finding and expressing myself through fashion/style (?)
playlists
self-explanatory! been making monthly playlists with accumulations of old and new based on whatever the season is feelin like!
racking up interest(s)
you could call it my hobby lobby – i am proud of my lame jokes :0) crafting, creating and getting in touch with my “artistic” side (died a little typing that because it feels fraudulent). a bit of everything as a jack of some trades, master of none.
TATA
self-explanatory! thanks, Matt, for suggesting this page 🙂
I envision this blog to be both a living document and a time capsule. I’m excited to continue to play around with all the different ways I can customize it. Thank you for coming along on this journey with me. If you’re reading this, please know I appreciate you. I am endlessly grateful for the wonderful people in my life and the ways they hold space for me as I learn, grow and explore.
With this newfound abundance of time, I wanted to be intentional about using it to create: community, art, connections, good trouble. Having spent so much of my life with imbalanced work >>> play, I’m enjoying the privilege and opportunity this time off has afforded me to explore restorative rest and develop sustainable habits to help keep things better aligned even when there are a lot of demands on my plate.
Since August, I have started evangelizing the good word on Pilates (shout out to Erica at Anointed Hands- she has an open house on Nov 8th from 12:30-2:30p that everyone interested should check out!!). It’s been a wonderful way to get out of my head and back into my body, increasing the mind-body connection that is so often severed by stress and trauma.
I started to type “I’ve also been…” and recalled the meme I saw a few months ago that said “my favorite word is also because I’m literally never done talking.” I felt that in my soul. A long walk and a great conversation is the way to my heart.
Lately, some important takeaways and reminders are as follows in no particular order (if you see a lil arrow it is a drop down! go ahead and try it out!):
Reflections on softness with an appreciation for the dialectics of it all
Soft is a blessing. What once seemed like a curse, to be incredibly soft and sensitive. To feel so deeply, living as a raw wound. My chosen family has taken care of me softly as I learn and grow. I’m a lil blue crab. Nurtured by community. By love. In my softness is where I find connection.
Soft- to be a soft place to land for my people. And that doesn’t mean that any of us need to trod, nor speak softly. Everyone can show up in their full humanity. Honestly, quite loud sometimes. That’s the beauty of it all.
Soft, meaning strong. Able to withstand – flexible like bamboo, bends without breaking. Soft as in delicate. In the best way. Ephemeral beauty. A perfect peach. “What a privilege it is to become softer in a world that tried to harden me” – @tearsofthe.soul
Shifting seasons (and the insidious onset of SAD)
Fall is a time when the seasons shift. There is the final harvest and then the crops die back. The animals prep for hibernation. Inside, we shed layers of clothing but also of ourselves, finding comfort in community and solitude- the darkness is an invitation for reflection, introspection and building. Be patient with yourself. You are following nature’s rhythms and deserve to slow down too. There will always be more “needed” of you, make sure to care for your needs as well.
My favorite color is green
LOL this feels so silly to write among the rest of this list. But it’s true. It is something so apparent if you spend 30 seconds looking at my stuff (laptop/ipad case, bedspread, clothes, etc). What’s at the core of this statement is the irony in admitting a plainly obvious fact to myself. In the last few months, I’ve come to the realization that I am the only one who doesn’t know me. All the people in my life already see me for who I am. Leading to my next thoughts on self-acceptance…
On becoming my own best friend and self-acceptance
I’m going to be the only one who has been there for the entire journey. Of course I would be nothing and nowhere without the people in my life along the way. But I am the one who needs to give myself structure and support. I am my own home and archive.
Even handwriting is just footsteps, paths, clues for how other people can find us inside ourselves.
As a human, you are not a liquid. Meaning you are not supposed to conform to fit inside a container you were never meant to be held by. Not every person has the capacity to hold you and that’s ok. You should not abandon yourself and split into pieces to dole out. Let them choke.
Along those lines, back in high school I saw this quote: “I’m sorry I gave you everything I had without making sure you wanted it,” and I was reminded of it recently. When I was younger, I used to think I was the victim and pity myself. “I’m sorry- I’m so sorry I bothered you with my existence.” As an adult, I recognize that I am not a burden. I am a gift for those that choose to be in community with me. I am sorry to those who were not ready to and maybe will never be able to meet me in my full humanity. I tried to change them, re-shape the container to accommodate more of me.
Conflict is the price we pay for intimacy
Being able to have the hard conversations with people who want nothing but the best for me. Those who are willing to go deep and spend the time offering me a reflection of myself. Slowly sanding down my edges. Helping me grow into the person I want to be through accountability.
Life as an exercise in letting go
“Let’s be nothing – I heard it lasts forever.” The beauty of life is in how fleeting every moment is. Repeat after me- I cherish it all BECAUSE it is fleeting. Learning to live in the present. To let go of all that is not meant for you to carry. Even as we continue to become, we let go of old versions of ourselves. So it goes.
Faith, spirituality, and mysticism
Whew, what an odyssey. Sabr, shukr, sumud and maktoob. There are no coincidences. Tie your camel. Everything always comes back to colonialism. Yuck. Finding acceptance for each moment. Trying to learn Arabic. Decentering myself. Alhamdulillah for it all.
Brevity as a form of wit
Ready to leave behind the compulsive need to (over)explain. I recognize the irony of this statement as I continue to elaborate on this already long blog post. She’s a work in progress!!!
If you’ve made it all the way through to this point, I commend you. I’m not sure how to wrap it all up. I am happy to be reporting from the “messy middle” of things.
Men sometimes confess they love war because it puts them in touch with the experience of being alive. In going to the office every day, you don’t get that experience, but suddenly in war, you are ripped back into being alive. Life is pain; life is suffering; and life is horror – but, by God, you are alive.
– Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth
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Clambering Through 